Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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