You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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