A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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