Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
