I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
