I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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