Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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