I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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