don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
