I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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