Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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