the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Be still, my beating vagina.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
