Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
