I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
