In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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