When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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