I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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