you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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