if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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