Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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