Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
