I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
