Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
