btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
