so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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