If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
