i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
