Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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