sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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