I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
