Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
