I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
