if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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