remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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