ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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