If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
