I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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