Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
