can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
