I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
either way he was missing a nipple.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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