I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
