my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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