I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
