Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
