OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
