Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
