He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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