You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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