I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
