I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm at about main and main street
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
