I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
